In the world of sports, the bond between an athlete and their coach is often revered as sacred. Coaches are seen as mentors, guides, and motivators, offering the tools to unlock an athlete's full potential. But what happens when the coach, the person meant to empower you, becomes the source of your mental turmoil? This is the story of Alex, an up-and-coming sprinter, whose coach, rather than instilling confidence, seemed determined to keep him on edge by constantly comparing him to his fiercest competitor.
The Toxic Playbook - When Fear is the Strategy
Alex’s coach, let’s call him Coach Ryan, had a peculiar way of “motivating.” Every training session, Ryan would bring up Alex's biggest rival, Jordan.
“Jordan’s times are improving faster than yours,” Ryan would say with a dismissive smirk.“He’s got a better team supporting him. You’ll need a miracle to beat him. “Did you see his last race? He’s dominating—you’d better be scared.”
At first, Alex thought this was just tough love, a strategy to push him harder. But over time, it became clear that these remarks weren’t constructive; they were designed to undermine his confidence. Alex began questioning not just his abilities but also the intentions of the very person meant to guide him. Was Ryan's behaviour narcissistic? Did he even have the skills to coach an athlete to success?
Red Flags of Toxic Coaching
Alex’s story isn’t unique. Many athletes have faced coaches who blur the line between tough love and psychological abuse. Here are some red flags to watch for in a toxic coaching relationship:
Constant Comparisons! The coach frequently brings up competitors, not to inspire but to instill fear or doubt.
Undermining Confidence! Instead of celebrating progress, the coach highlights weaknesses or failures disproportionately.
Emotional Manipulation! The coach creates an environment where the athlete feels they must prove their worth, often through fear or guilt.
Dismissiveness! The coach disregards the athlete’s concerns, making them feel unheard or invalidated.
Ego-Centric Focus! The coach prioritises their own reputation or image over the athlete’s well-being, often seeking control rather than collaboration.
When such behaviours emerge, it’s critical to recognise them for what they are—manipulative and harmful. If the behaviour is consistent, it could point to narcissistic tendencies. Narcissistic coaches often use fear and control to maintain their authority, caring more about their own ego than the athlete’s growth.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Toxic Behaviour
At its core, narcissistic behaviour stems from a fragile sense of self-worth. For a coach like Ryan, undermining Alex’s confidence might have been a way to assert dominance and maintain control. By keeping Alex second-guessing himself, Ryan ensured that Alex would remain dependent on him for validation and guidance. Unfortunately, this strategy, while beneficial for the coach’s ego, is profoundly damaging to the athlete’s mental health and performance.
Research from the field of sports psychology highlights that athletes thrive under autonomy-supportive coaching—where a coach encourages self-belief, intrinsic motivation, and independence. In contrast, controlling or fear-based coaching erodes an athlete’s confidence and can lead to burnout, anxiety, and decreased performance.
A Scientifically Backed Way to Handle the Situation
For athletes like Alex, navigating a toxic coaching relationship can be emotionally and mentally draining. Here are evidence-based strategies to handle such situations:
Acknowledge the Problem- The first step is recognising that the coach’s behaviour is unprofessional and not a reflection of your worth as an athlete. Journaling your experiences can help clarify patterns of manipulation.
Seek Support- Talk to a trusted teammate, mentor, or sports psychologist. Sharing your experiences can validate your feelings and provide a fresh perspective.
Focus on Self-Confidence- Shift your focus inward. Identify your strengths, accomplishments, and areas of improvement. Practice self-affirmations to counteract the negativity. For example, “I am improving every day,” or “I am in control of my progress.”
Establish Boundaries- Politely but firmly communicate your limits. For instance, you might say, “I’d prefer if we focus on my progress rather than comparing me to others.”
Consider a Change- If the toxic behaviour persists and begins to affect your mental health or performance, it might be time to find a new coach. A professional, supportive coach will prioritise your growth over their ego.
Practice Resilience- Engage in mindfulness practices, such as meditation or breathwork, to manage stress and maintain focus during challenging times. Resilience training can help you stay grounded despite external negativity.
Reframing the Role of Competitors
One of the most liberating insights for Alex came from a coaching session, we reframed the role of competitors. "Jordan isn’t your rival, and you’re not his. His success doesn’t take away from yours, nor does yours diminish his. The only competition that truly matters is the one you have with yourself—focusing on being better than you were each session."
By shifting his mindset, Alex began to see competition as an opportunity for self-improvement rather than a threat. This change not only eased the mental burden imposed by his coach but also reignited his passion for the sport.
A Call to Reflect
If you’re an athlete facing a similar situation, take a moment to reflect. Is your coach building you up or tearing you down? Are they focused on your growth or their own agenda? Remember, a good coach doesn’t need to use fear or manipulation to inspire greatness. They see your potential and work alongside you to achieve it.
Toxic coaching is a shadow that looms over many sports, but awareness and action can bring it into the light. As athletes, you deserve respect, support, and a space to thrive. Don’t let anyone, not even your coach, take that away from you.